Sleepless
I swear nothing fantastic ever happens to me. :( And when one piece of bad news lands on me, more will come rolling in within hours or even minutes. I can never be at peace. God bless all the hippies, they are so peaceful. Its 3am, I am supposed to be sleeping, but somehow I can’t. Physically I have shut down but my brain is exploding with activity. I feel like an iPhone with my 3G permanently switched on.
Hmmm, so today’s food for thought: LOVE AND MEN. (I know, so cliche)
So as you all already probably know, I am not able to commit myself into any relationship not because I am emotionally bounded but because I am physically bounded. Ok wait, it sounds like I am wearing a chastity belt when I put it that way. Let me rephrase that : I simply do not have time. I don’t have time to indulge in anything much. The only love that I feel is for my work, which really stinks because at times I feel really lonely. I go on 2 or 3 dates and then I just have no energy and time to follow up. When I do have time I would rather devote it to my family and friends. (Speaking of which, why is it so hard to be platonic friends with the opposite sex? They always need to develop, which I strongly object to.) Back to the main topic, I wish I could date someone non-seriously for a longer of period of time but my schedule does not permit.
While enjoying the full benefits of single, which includes not having to account anything about your whereabouts, not having to share a bank account, not having to put up with their boring/haughty/revolting friends, I still feel very handicapped at times. I was just telling Minyi the other day, its almost IMPOSSIBLE to get one of my girlfriends to watch a movie with me. There’s always the infamous “I already watched that one with my baby.” or “My boyfriend asked me to watch it with him.” or “I wanna watch it with my boyfriend.” Its just a damn movie, why does it have to be done on some romantic context. Your boyfriend has no friends to watch a movie with? Well it must be so seeing he clings on to you like glue everyday.
I know I sound utterly jealous but believe me I am not. I am just sick of friends who disappear without even as much as a fart everytime they get themselves a new arm candy. Then out of some guilt on their part, they would try to match me with one of their boyfriend’s friends so that we can all hang out together without her being pried apart from her new super sticky masking tape version of a male. I know right, its so pathetic. Last movie I watched, I watched it with my siblings. I think they felt obliged to watch it with me. I am 24, and I am supposed to be at my prime but I don’t see a social life dangling anywhere near me. My brother is out on a 5 day graduation party spree and drinking his liver red while I am sitting here ranting like an old spinster. My sister, has more of a social life than me. I don’t know when and why I became a workaholic.
But but but, the very sad thing is. I think I found someone, who makes me wanna work hard but treat myself better. I found someone I want to strive hard and spend quality time with. I found someone who made me cancel TWO supplier meetings just so I can see him. I found someone who made me write songs again. I found someone who makes me feel like I will never get sick of him. Because the harsh and honest truth is that my attention span can never last more than 3 months. I lose interest but I never mention it, and then they feel it eventually and ask me for a break-up, but I act like they were the ones at fault. I played everyone out emotionally, and I realise now I was really a piece of shit. Then one day this shitbag appears out of nowhere, takes my beliefs to the trashbin, makes me change all at once. This shitbag makes me realise I never loved the people I thought I loved, and that after dating 9287393473 people, this shitbag is really my first love. This shitbag invades my thoughts 837483 times a day, de-railing me from focusing on my work. This shitbag makes me believe that so many things are possible. But this same shitbag played me out emotionally in the worst way possible, and yet I still love this shitbag.
You can say I am crazy or probably angry, but I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about him. He looks like crap, behaves like he is Einstein’s reincarnation, he makes me feel like I am worth nothing at times, then makes me feel like I was worth more than the world at other times. And I can forget him for a few days, but then a few days later he would creep back into my mind like a sneaky rat and there is nothing I can do about it. I pile myself with more work so that I can focus on something else but I realise I can’t really focus on anything.
This sucks to admit: I am emotionaly handicapped.
